Starvation
by Mrs. Twelvetrees
Summary: Rik, Vyvyan, Neil and Mike have run out of food and money entirely, and attempt to eat several very unusual things.
1. Chapter 1

DISCLAIMER 

All characters from the The Young Ones series belong to Ben Elton, Rik Mayall and Lise Mayer. (I'm just borrowing them...)

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**STARVATION**

(The kitchen; NEIL is standing on a chair and carefully examining the contents of the cupboard. RICK enters and looks at the dining table, which is scattered with empty cornflake boxes.)

RICK

Neil?

NEIL

Yeah?

RICK

Where's breakfast?

NEIL

I'm looking for it.

RICK

Looking for it? What are you doing, playing hide and seek with your lentils? _(snorts)_

NEIL

No, no, Rick, there's no food left, man. I can't find anything edible in the whole house, except for this apple. _(reveals something that looks more like a green tennis ball)_

RICK

That's a tennis ball, Neil!

NEIL

That's what you'd _think_, but it was an apple last week.

_(VYVYAN comes sliding down the stairs very noisily, still in his bed.)_

RICK

Oh, that's just great, Vyvyan! And where would it all end if we all took our beds into the living room like that?

VYVYAN

I had some trouble getting up, alright?

RICK

Trouble _getting up_? Oh, that must have been a disappointment for the girl you were with! Oh, wait! You _weren't_ with a girl! Because no girl is stupid enough to want to sleep with you, Vyvyan!

VYVYAN

Shut up, virgin!

RICK

Right, that's enough!

_(RICK walks over to VYVYAN, waving his fists about threateningly. VYVYAN reaches between the blankets and reveals a huge wooden log, which he hits RICK on the head with. RICK falls down.)_

NEIL

Vyvyan, what do you keep that huge wooden log in your bed for, man?

VYVYAN

I put it there so I can use it when there's a burglar!

RICK

_(still on the floor, but sticking his head up over VYVYAN's blanket)_ Or maybe he's trying to compensate for something! _(snorts)_

_(VYVYAN gives the log a good swing and smashes RICK over the head again.)_

NEIL

Okay guys, peace, okay? It's really uncool to start the day like this, you know. It's like, bad karma, you know? And there aren't any lentils left either…

VYVYAN

What, no lentils?

NEIL

Yeah, I know, man. It's really heavy. And we haven't got any money left either. Maybe Mike's got an idea, you know...

_(MIKE enters through the hole in the ceiling and lands on top of VYVYAN.)_

VYVYAN

Hey! Do you mind?! Pervy!

MIKE

What's this bed doing here, Vyv?

RICK

_(emerging again) _He had trouble getting up! _(snorts)_

VYVYAN

_kicking RICK in the face with his boot)_ Shut up! It's not funny anymore, Rick! It wasn't even funny in the first place! Nobody gets your stupid jokes, okay?!

_(RICK emerges again, with a dirty reddish footprint in the middle of his face, blinking his eyes.)_

RICK

Well, alright then, Vyvyan, if it makes you feel any better…

VYVYAN

You certainly won't feel any better if you go on with it!

NEIL

Hey guys, what are we going to do about this no money and no food business, okay? Because, you know, we're gonna starve, like, to death if we don't eat anything, right?

MIKE

So it's basically this: we don't have money and we don't have food.

RICK

Yes, that's it! So what do we do?

MIKE

If you had a brilliant mind like Mike the-cool-person, you would have found a solution for that already, Rick.

VYVYAN

What, you mean you know what to do?

MIKE

You're a fast learner, Vyv.

NEIL

So what is it, Mike?

MIKE

We simply eat what we can eat, only it has to be things that don't cost us any money!

RICK

Yeah, like… _(looks around the room)_ Like SPG! _(runs over to the hamster cage and grabs it)_

VYVYAN

You leave Special Patrol Group alone! _(starts chasing RICK around the room)_

NEIL

Hey, Rick, I thought you were a vegetarian, man!

RICK

_(stops running)_ Of course I am, Neil! I'm just doing it to annoy Vyvyan! _(snorts)_

VYVYAN

_(seizing the hamster cage)_ Right, I've had enough of this! _(hits Rick over the head with the cage; SPG is thrown from the cage by the blow and hits the cupboard door with a squelchy sound)_

SPG

_(slowly sliding down the cupboard)_ Thank God for vegetarians… _(falls to the floor)_

VYVYAN

Now look what you've done! _(picks SPG up from the floor)_ Poor SPG!

RICK

I didn't do anything to him! You hit me with the cage, Vyvyan!

VYVYAN

Well, you shouldn't have touched the cage in the first place, should you?

RICK

Well, I think it's your fault!

NEIL

Erm, guys…

VYVYAN

It's not!

RICK

It is!

VYVYAN

It's bloody bloody bloody not!

NEIL

Guys…

RICK

It flipping flipping flipping is!

VYVYAN

Say it's your fault!

RICK

No!

VYVYAN

Right, I warned you…

RICK

_(to camera)_ For what?

_(VYVYAN stuffs SPG down RICK's trousers; SPG is obviously hungry.)_

RICK

_(dancing about)_ Aaaaaaargh!

MIKE

Come on, Vyv!

NEIL

Oh, no, man! That's too cruel, man! Uncool!

VYVYAN

What d'you mean?!

NEIL

Well, you know, Rick has had those trousers for years, right? SPG could get ill or something, man.

VYVYAN

Oh yeah, that's right, that was a bit inconsiderate of me. _(pulls SPG from RICK's trousers with a loud plop and puts him back in the cage)_

RICK

_(with a huge red stain down the front of his trousers)_ Hah! Well, right.

VYVYAN

_(sweetly)_ Now, whose fault was it?

RICK

_(hardly audible)_ M-mine.

VYVYAN

_(ear-splittingly loud, in RICK's ear)_ What's that now?!

RICK

_(angrily)_ Mine! Okay?

VYVYAN

_(calmly and contently)_ Yes, okay.

MIKE

Right, so let's sort out this food thing.

NEIL

Well, yeah, there is this apple, of course. _(holds up the tennis ball)_

RICK

It's a tennis ball, Neil!

MIKE

Mike the-cool-person agrees with you on this one, Rick.

NEIL

No, guys, no, honestly, it's an apple… Only it's like, in a very far stadium of development, you know.

VYVYAN

What, you mean it's completely rotten and covered in fungus?

NEIL

Yeah.

RICK

Well, I still think it's a tennis ball.

MIKE

And I don't eat tennis balls or fungus, so be my guest.

NEIL

I don't want it either, man. I mean, I regard this apple as a living thing, you know.

MIKE

And why is that?

NEIL

Well, because it crawled from this side of the shelf to that side in a few days time. If you look really closely, you can see things moving about on it, man, it's really cool… _(squints his eyes at the tennis ball)_

VYVYAN

Oh, come on, stop being all girly about it! _(grabs the tennis ball and bites it)_

TENNIS BALL

Damn! Looks like my disguise didn't work…

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_...to be continued._


	2. Chapter 2

DISCLAIMER 

_All characters from the The Young Ones series belong to Ben Elton, Rik Mayall and Lise Mayer. (I'm just borrowing them...)_

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_(The living room, late in the afternoon; RICK is walking around between the tv and the couch, MIKE is reading the paper in a chair, and VYVYAN is on the couch, looking pale and holding a bucket close to his mouth.)_

RICK

_(pensively)_ Starvation…star…straw…strawberry…str…

MIKE

Rick! I'm trying to read the paper!

RICK

Well, I'm trying to free-form!

VYVYAN

You're making me free-_vomit_! _(retches into his bucket)_

RICK

Well, you shouldn't have eaten that tennis ball, Vyvyan!

VYVYAN

It was an apple!

RICK

No, it wasn't!

VYVYAN

Yes, it was! Look! _(sticks his hand into the bucket, reveals an apple core covered in green slime and throws it angrily into RICK's face)_ Alright?!

RICK

_(rubbing the slime from his face) _Oh, yes, so it was, haha!

_(NEIL comes through the back door with a box in his hands.)_

NEIL

Okay, guys…I've found a few things we might be able to eat…

MIKE

Well done, Neil. What have you got?

NEIL

_(sits down on the couch next to VYVYAN, who throws up all over his trousers)_ Oh wow, Vyv, that's really heavy. Are you alright, man?

VYVYAN

_(gasping) _Apart from the violent vomiting, I feel absolutely peachy.

NEIL

Oh, cool. Well, look, guys…this is what I found, right? _(puts the contents of the box on the table)_ A dead crow that I found on the window sill outside, some yellow moss from the garden, something covered in sand that looks like an old flower bulb, some grass and a jar filled with creepy crawlies I found swimming about in an old bucket full of rainwater.

_(Close-up of the creepy crawlies swimming in the jar.)_

CRAWLY I

Ewww, look! Students!

CRAWLY II

Oh, yuck! They give me the creeps!

VYVYAN

Sounds great! _(vomits into the bucket again)_

RICK

_(looking very reluctant) _So this is our meal for tonight?

MIKE

Now come on, Rick, Neil has done his best. If you have a better idea, I'd be very pleased to hear it. Now, Neil, what do you think you could make out of these ingredients?

NEIL

Well, I thought I'd do, like, insect soup for starters, right? And then I'd fry up the crow for the main course, you know, with a grass and flower bulb salad, and we could have the moss as a dessert.

MIKE

You know, Neil, that doesn't even sound that bad.

NEIL

You really think so, Mike?

MIKE

No, not really, Neil, but it'll have to do.

RICK

Well, I'm not eating that crow! I'm a vegetarian, and I thought you were too, Neil!

_(VYVYAN throws up again.)_

NEIL

Now listen, Rick, don't be all heavy and uncool on me, man. Besides, that crow was already dead, so I think it's safe for us to eat it…

MIKE

I'm not so sure about that, Neil.

NEIL

Being vegetarians, I mean. Only we need someone to pluck it, guys, because I can't do that, it's too cruel and heavy, you know.

VYVYAN

_(wiping his mouth on his sleeve and looking a lot less ill)_ I'll do it! _(grabs the crow and starts plucking eagerly)_

NEIL

Oh, thanks, Vyv!

VYVYAN

My pleasure!

_(About an hour later; RICK, VYVYAN and MIKE are sitting around the dining table, and NEIL is serving the food.)_

NEIL

_(putting a pan down on the table)_ Right, guys, here's the soup. I made a broth from one half of the creepy crawlies, and I, like, fried the other half and put them in for nourishment, you know.

MIKE

_lifting the lid of the pan)_ Well, Neil, it looks…

RICK

…absolutely revolting!

NEIL

_(ladling the soup onto their plates)_ Oh, come on, guys! You have to try it first!

VYVYAN

_(impaling a large brown lump with his fork)_ What's this, then?

NEIL

That's a cockroach, Vyv.

VYVYAN

Oh! _(takes a bite with a loud grinding sound)_ Crunchy!

_(They all start eating reluctantly, except for VYVYAN, who seems to be actually enjoying it.)_

MIKE

Well, at least we have something to eat.

NEIL

Yeah, and they're all really healthy things as well, you know.

RICK

_(wide-eyed)_ Ah! Ah! Ah!

MIKE

What's wrong, Rick?

RICK

I think that leech I just ate wasn't quite dead yet!

NEIL

Oh, Rick, sorry man! Let's move on to the main course, then. _(puts the pan back on the cooker and puts another pan and a salad bowl on the table)_

VYVYAN

_(burps contently)_ So what's next?

NEIL

_(putting the food on their plates)_ Well, this is the fried crow, and this is the grass and flower bulb salad, dressed with some rain water.

_(They all start eating again.)_

RICK

Neil?

NEIL

Yeah?

RICK

How long had this crow been lying on the window sill when you found it?

NEIL

Oh, I don't know. I do remember I saw it when we had a garden party for your brithday last year…

MIKE

Neil, that was two years ago!

NEIL

Oh, right.

VYVYAN

_(still eating enthusiastically)_ Yeah, I thought it was a bit whiffy when I was plucking it. But you just have to think about it like game, you know. They say pheasants also taste nicer when they've been lying about for some time.

MIKE

Yeah, but not for two years, Vyv.

NEIL

Oh, there's a centipede in my salad, guys. I'm not eating that.

VYVYAN

Give it here, then! _(grabs the centipede from NEIL's plate and puts it in his mouth)_ Very nice!

MIKE

Let's move on to the dessert, Neil.

_(NEIL hands out bits of yellow moss.)_

RICK

_(nibbling reluctantly)_ Maybe it _is_ better to starve to death…

MIKE

_(putting his moss on his plate)_ You might be right there, Rick.

NEIL

_(also putting the moss away)_ Yeah, sorry it wasn't much of a a success, guys.

VYVYAN

_(scoffing down everyone's moss; to the camera)_ I don't know what they're talking about, you know. _(suddenly stops eating, his face turns green)_

NEIL

Oh no, man, uncool!

_(VYVYAN throws up on the table, the end credits start, RICK and MIKE leave to watch tv, while NEIL rushes to clean everything up and VYVYAN continues to throw up all over the kitchen.)_

**THE END**


End file.
